Earning My Keep (By Jenn Lee)

Enjoy this powerful guest post by my wife: Jenn Lee.

“ . . . urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home . . .”

-Titus 2:5

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

-Matthew 11:28-30

This winter, I went through a season where I was hit hard with sickness. I spent a majority of that time in bed with a fever, unable to breathe through my nose or hear with my left ear. Chad served me day after day and picked up all the slack. During that two week ordeal, a post from the blog titled, “She Journeys with Him,” came across my social media feed. It said, “Rest is a reminder that you are loved, not just useful.”[1]

I have not been able to get that thought out of my mind since then, because I have lived my life believing and behaving as if the opposite was true. I have lived as if I was created to be useful to God and others, rather than to receive love from them. I can usually live from this place because my days are so busy, but when something knocks me flat on my back and I’m completely useless, this false belief is challenged. 

Earning my keep. 

For as long as I can remember, I have lived my life neglecting myself and denying my own needs in order to pour out for others. Some of my earliest memories consist of helping teachers and happily doing chores at home, but my current roles (wife and homeschooling Mom of 4) have brought these patterns to the forefront for me. I have falsely believed and consistently lived as if I am “earning my keep.”

To “earn one’s keep” means to work in return for food and accommodations, to do something to justify one’s presence, or to be worth the time, money, and effort spent on one. I have long-believed that I must provide value to someone in order to justify my presence in their life. This translates into helping and giving…in every way imaginable! Working, always working, to earn the love I long to receive. Times of weakness or needing to receive help have given me an overwhelming sense of guilt. It is so hard to receive the care of others, and it is so hard to rest from striving. But should it really be this way? Is this how God wants us to live?

To “earn one’s keep” means to work in return for food and accommodations, to do something to justify one’s presence.

On the blog titled, "Is Your Hard Work Driven by Anxiety?", Chad discusses the idea of overwork. We all can imagine the caricature of a male workaholic: expensive suit, cell phone glued to his ear, and always in a rush. (Can’t imagine it? Just watch any Hallmark movie and pay close attention to the main character’s boyfriend at the beginning of the story!)

It may be a little more difficult for us to picture a female workaholic, but I believe that they exist. (And they aren’t just lawyers wearing power suits and walking down big-city sidewalks!) Maybe, just maybe, I am one. (Maybe you are one, too.) While men tend to go out to conquer and provide, women tend to cultivate beauty and nourish life. Female workaholism may look different and have different motivations, but I believe it is there, nonetheless.

How do I diagnose workaholism in myself?

Overwork can be seen in my life when my husband has to force me to leave the dishes in the sink and sit down, and I argue with him. It can be seen when I feel guilty for stepping away for a couple of hours of alone time. It can be seen when I feel like I must say “yes” to every need and serving opportunity that is presented. It can be seen in how I resist being served by others. It can be seen in my reluctance to rest during times of sickness or exhaustion. It can be seen in my emotions when my work goes unnoticed or unappreciated. It can be seen when I do things for my children instead of encouraging them to do things for themselves. (By the way, this is not just a struggle for married women or those that have children! I have many friends who are single who are very diligent workers within and outside of their homes, cultivating beauty and nourishing life. And we are all capable of overworking.)

How can I know what drives my overwork? Here are some possible motivations:

• Pride  | Do I think that I am indispensable to God and others? Do I arrogantly think that the world would stop spinning if I didn’t make it turn?

• Control  | Do I think that I am the only one who knows how to do something “the right way”?

• Fear  | Do I think, “If I don’t do this, no one will, and all the things will fall through the cracks”?

• People pleasing  | Do I do things so that others will like me or see me in a certain light?

• Trying to earn love and approval  | Do I think, “I’m only loved if I’m useful”? Do I serve in order to receive attention, praise, thanks, and accolades?

If you are anything like me, that list was deeply convicting. I struggle with working out of all of those motivations. I believe that there is a better way! We need rest. 

Learning to rest. 

We can worship God in our work and in our rest. Women are instructed to be “busy at home” (Titus 2:5), and we all are called to pick up our crosses and follow after Jesus (Luke 9:23). Our work is worship, absolutely. Our work says something about God. Our work declares that He is worthy of our devotion and our obedience. We glorify Him when we love and serve those around us.

Our work says something about God. Our work declares that He is worthy of our devotion and our obedience. We glorify Him when we love and serve those around us.

But our rest glorifies God too. Our rest says different things about Him than what our work says. Our rest declares to the Lord (and to the watching world) that He is Creator, Sustainer, Father, and Shepherd. He is the one who provides for us and protects us. He is worthy of our trust. When we are weak, He is strong. He didn't create us so that He would have more people to work for Him. We are not loved and valuable because of what we do, but just because. We are loved for who we are. For those of us who are saved by faith in Jesus, we could never earn His love, and we can never lose His love. 

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus tells us “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Did your eyes fill with tears when you read that? Did you release the breath that you didn’t know you were holding? Yeah. Me too.)

I believe so many churches in America today lead people, men and women, to overwork. They give us a one-sided view of how we should approach God. They teach us that we owe a debt of gratitude to Jesus for what He has done for us; therefore, we should be “high capacity" in our service and we should be “sacrificing for the Kingdom.” Many say that we should “give it all” for Him. We hear that God wants to do big things in our churches and in our world, and the heavy weight is placed upon our shoulders as if He can't do it without our work. (It's true that God uses our obedient work, but He's also fully capable without us. He's omnipotent.)

Now, there's some truth to these claims, but we must show the other side of the coin as well. What did Jesus say to Martha when she was bustling around, “doing” for Jesus? He told her to look at her sister’s example. Her sister was sitting at Jesus’s feet. She was resting. She was reclined in His presence, learning from Him. (Luke 10:38-42)

Her sister was sitting at Jesus’s feet. She was resting. She was reclined in His presence, learning from Him. (Luke 10:38-42)

What if loving Jesus didn’t always look like joining another ministry team or making another meal or giving another dollar? What if it also looked like loving and trusting Jesus enough to radically rest in His presence? What if He doesn’t need us to do more for Him, but wants us to simply be with Him? Our God is omnipotent. He can do absolutely anything He wants to do. He doesn’t need us. He wants us. 

What does this look like practically, in our busy everyday lives? 

• First and foremost, spend time with your Heavenly Father. Set aside time to simply sit with an open Bible and an open conversation with Him. If you're anything like me, this requires the Holy Spirit's help to be disciplined and purposeful in saying "no" to other things and saying "yes" to alone time with the Lord.

• Listen to music that fills your mind with truth. One of my favorite songs these days declares to God, “You love me still. You always will. Nothing can change it. Not for what I’ve done, but just because.”[2] I need constant reminders of this truth, and having it in my ears during the day is very helpful. 

• Read and memorize Scripture that reminds you of the truth. Nothing can separate me from Jesus’s love; that includes my failure to put that load of laundry away again. 

• Read books that tell the truth about Christ’s love for you. A book I’m enjoying right now is Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazzero is another. There are many, many great books out there. 

• When others are trying to serve you, let them serve you. This one is tough! It requires humility to receive from others when you’re used to pouring out for others. Humbly express your needs to your family and closest friends and allow them the joy of serving and caring for you in various ways. 

• Lean into doing things that are just for you, whatever that looks like. Some women may enjoy going for a run or working out. (This is definitely not me!) I have hobbies that I enjoy but most of them are ones that produce things for others: baking bread, crocheting, and cross stitching (two birds, one stone, if I’m able to do a hobby and give a gift at the same time!). But I’m trying to lean into hobbies that are purposefully unproductive. Reading, coloring, puzzles, and book journaling are “just for me” hobbies, often with nothing to show for the time and work that I’ve put into it, and nothing tangible to share with others. I am learning that I am not a machine. And all of life isn’t about being productive. 

Obviously, the idea of “self care” can be taken too far and can become selfish indulgence. Obviously, one can rest too much and pendulum swing into laziness and neglecting one's responsibilities. But I believe that, for most of us, the temptation to overwork far exceeds the temptation to be self indulgent, at least among Christian women.

Allow the Holy Spirit to show you blind spots in your own life. Learning to rest doesn’t mean that we neglect our duties! Make the meals, schedule the appointments, work hard within and outside of your home, serve at church, care for your family, friends, and neighbors, but don’t forget to set aside moments to rest in your identity as a beloved daughter, made in God’s image and valuable...just because.

Bibliography:

[1] Sylva Kojakian (@shejourneyswithhim), "Rest is a declaration of freedom - freedom from striving, performing, and proving," Instagram, https://www.instagram.com/shejourneyswithhim/p/DFLeBwfyvHb/?img_index=5.

[2] "Love Me Still," track 14 on Lauren Daigle, Lauren Daigle Vol. 2, Phantom Studio, Atlantic, September 8, 2023, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHSfBESy_8Q.