Type of Doctrine: Primary (i.e., no one is for abuse!) and Secondary (i.e., perhaps there are secondary disagreements on the nuances of the definition and application)
"So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory."
-1 Peter 5:1-4 ESV
Why Does It Matter?
God consistently shows in Scripture that he is against abuse. There are many forms of abuse that may take place (e.g., spiritual, emotional, physical, sexual, etc.), and there are many contexts in which abuse may take place (e.g., home, workplace, friendship, church, etc.). Nevertheless, an issue which is sometimes difficult to define and which continues to present itself is spiritual abuse. Therefore, this article will seek to define spiritual abuse in the church by spiritual leaders and its effects on those who have been abused. (There are definitely times when church leaders are falsely accused of spiritual abuse. This article is not addressing that issue. Instead, it is seeking to define true spiritual abuse.).
Clearly, in one sense, this is a primary issue. No one can argue for abuse biblically. However, in another sense, I suppose it could be considered a secondary issue; perhaps, for example, there are slight differences in how spiritual abuse is defined, dealt with, and avoided.
What Is It?
According to the Oxford English Reference Dictionary, the word "abuse" can mean to "misuse" (like a position of power), to "insult verbally," to "maltreat," and it can mean an "unjust or corrupt practice" (7). The word "spiritual" can also have various definitions; a helpful one from the Oxford English Reference Dictionary is: "concerned with sacred or religious things" (1397). So, what are we getting at here? Spiritual abuse is a phrase that is typically used to mean that a spiritual leader has misused a position of power or influence to mistreat people.
Spiritual abuse means that a spiritual leader has misused a position of power or influence to mistreat people.
The following will discuss: (1) what is not spiritual abuse and (2) what is spiritual abuse.
The best resource that I have run across to define this issue carefully is Michael J. Kruger, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022). Michael clearly outlines what spiritual abuse is not and precisely what qualifies as spiritual abuse.
Spiritual Abuse Is Not...
Kruger claims spiritual abuse is not other forms of abuse: physical, sexual, and emotional or psychological--though he admits there is overlap with the last category (22). It is important to define spiritual abuse clearly, because there have been a number of legal cases where the phrase "spiritual abuse" was used wrongly (23). For example, if a pastor calls certain behaviors sinful, in our culture, this may be wrongly viewed as spiritual abuse (Ibid.). However, the term should not be dispensed. There are undoubtedly still cases of spiritual abuse (Ibid.).
Other terms have been used in the past such as: heavy shepherding, authoritarian ministry, spiritual tyranny, and spiritual oppression (24). All describe a "pastor's heavy-handed leadership" which is now often referred to as "spiritual abuse" (Ibid.).
Spiritual abuse is not necessarily: being unfriendly, an intimidating personality, not getting along, accidentally hurting someone, or confronting people's sins--although he cautions that abuse can and does happen this way (35-38).
So what is it?
Spiritual Abuse Is...
Kruger then provides his own helpful definition of spiritual abuse,
Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader--such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization--wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him as a means of maintaining his own power and control, even if he is convinced he is seeking biblical and kingdom-related goals. (24)How does this control and domineering of others take place? Kruger lists these common ways (28-33):
Hypercritical: they often provide quick, frequent, and harsh criticism. Kruger writes that "a key characteristic of an abusive leader is that they lead through fault-finding. They are overly quick to point out deficiencies in the job performance of those under them and eagerly call attention to a person's character flaws, often without gentleness or patience. Victims often indicate that they feel 'watched,' as if the pastor is always looking for some mistake he can grab a hold of and exploit" (28; author's emphasis).
Cruel: they often speak in a cruel manner to others privately and/or publicly.
Threatening: they often use threats (e.g., direct threats, implied threats, job threats, ruin reputation threats, etc.). Kruger comments, "Here's the point: It is not normal for people to have this sort of fear of their pastor" (31; author's emphasis).
Defensive: they are often defensive. Kruger points out that great pastors are often able to receive criticism without being defensive (even if it is wrong). However, he remarks that abusive pastors are "notoriously thin-skinned, seeing even the slightest bit of criticism as a threat to their power" (31). They often turn against the person and seek to "silence, shame, or isolate a person, making them feel like they are insubmissive, insubordinate, and undermining the church's God-given leadership" (Ibid.). Then he pointed out an irony: "[T]he pastor who is unable to take criticism is often highly critical of everyone else. That is not a good combination--and it's the classic mark of a narcissist" (32). Moreover, he commented that they often remind people continually of their authority (Ibid.).
Manipulative: they often "manipulate the system in such a way that they are protected and their victims are silenced" (Ibid.). Kruger says that they do this in two main ways: (1) structurally (i.e., in the organization; often in a subset of the elder board to hide conflicts for years from others) and (2) relationally (i.e., cultivating loyalty with others through flattery, sharing secrets, including in inner circle, and confessing selective sins) (32-33). Occasionally, the abusive pastor has been able to manipulate to the point where he is sending other leaders to confront anyone he sees as a threat under the guise of "shepherding" (33).
Others have pointed out similar findings in churches. For example, the book titled Rising Above a Toxic Workplace describes this toxic church working environment:
Our leader was highly egocentric and narcissistic. He controlled and micromanaged, and all information had to flow through him. We were expected to say the right things with the right language, spinning the truth and acting healthy when we weren't. More energy was devoted to creating and maintaining the image than to solving problems and creating positive realities. (Chapman, White, and Myra, Rising Above a Toxic Workplace, 64)The same book also reinforced the theme of hypercritical leaders; the feedback that was received from church leaders was not constructive but it injured people (65).
Work environments can become toxic and challenging in numerous ways. Church work environments are the same. And the toxic church work environment is not always due to abusive church leadership. However, sometimes spiritual abuse is taking place and contributing to a toxic environment. Consider this person's story:
I thought I was starting my ideal job in a ministry. I was reliable, loyal, fiercely devoted, and took extreme pride in my work and role. But as time wore on, more and more good people left the organization. The egos I dealt with daily were worse than in my secular jobs, and I became severely disappointed. Because so many left, I had the most responsibility, working way beyond forty hours without additional pay. After all, it was ministry work, and it was expected! The leaders offered little encouragement but often-harsh criticism. (69-70) Numerous unhealthy aspects are present here. We can see workaholism, pride (or ego), perfectionistic expectations, and harsh criticism.
The author then discusses the uniqueness among young people who have experienced toxic leadership. "The young and inexperienced . . . are most easily blindsided by toxic leadership. At least at first, they seldom realize the extent to which they're being wounded, and their buy-ins to the unhealthy culture limit their ability to take positive action" (71).
Experiencing toxic leadership in the church can be unusually difficult. Specifically, sometimes it can be difficult to see as clearly as a secular environment. The author comments on the awkwardness of working in a toxic organization which is simultaneously attempting to spread the gospel and do good works. It can actually "dull awareness of dysfunctions" (76).
Later in the book, these authors provide the top ten traits of toxic leaders (134-139):
Skilled at first impressions
Extreme about achieving goals
Manipulative
Narcissistic
Take credit for others' successes
Smooth publicly, but condescending in the workplace
Inauthentic
Use others
Don't address the real risks and issues
Before things fall apart, sometimes they leave (or as Kruger points out sometimes they resort to image management and stay)
Again, not all toxic environments at a church are due to the church leaders, and perhaps, not all toxic church leaders are abusive. Some may simply be misguided. For example, I assume some toxic leaders may be immature, lacking self-awareness, or just need to grow in some way (e.g., spiritually, emotionally, relationally, etc.). Nevertheless, some are in fact spiritually abusing people. But often, mysteriously, the spiritual abuser appears spiritually successful.
Kruger comments that abusive pastors often seem good at building God's kingdom while they are typically building their own (33-35). "In a sick, twisted way, he is crushing people for the glory of God" (34). Nevertheless, abusive leaders often deny that they did anything wrong; they are convinced that their success and accomplishments for the kingdom prove their innocence (35). Sadly, often others agree (Ibid.). They think, "Surely this leader didn't abuse anyone. Look at the accomplishments and blessed ministry."
Why isn't spiritual abuse dealt with in churches similar to other failures (like affairs)? Spiritual abuse is not always cut-and-dry. It is sometimes a gray issue. Kruger comments that "spiritual abuse is not as black-and-white as other forms of abuse, which is why so few pastors are held accountable for it" (38). Indeed, affairs are often "more concrete than whether he is a narcissistic bully" (Ibid.).
In Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership, Gary McIntosh and Samuel Rima list narcissism as one concern for potential leadership failure (among other potential failures). They argue that Solomon seemed to be a narcissistic leader (117). They claim that narcissistic leaders "are driven to succeed by a need for admiration and acclaim. They may have an overinflated sense of importance as well as great ambitions and grandiose fantasies" (Ibid.). The authors unearth the heart of self-absorbed narcissism: "deep feelings of inferiority" (Ibid.). Sadly, the church often attracts these types of leaders. Why? Churches are often seeking large visions and giftedness. Meanwhile, a narcissist is often seeking a place to flesh out grandiose visions and a platform. Thus, "the church and Christian organizations provide fertile soil for budding narcissists" (Ibid.).
When spiritual abuse takes place, how does the abuser respond? Kruger goes on to point out that many abusive leaders "flip the script" (77-96). That is, they build a group of defenders, insist a proper process wasn't followed, claim to be a victim (typically of slander), attack the character of the victims, demonstrate their own character and accomplishments, and "play the sympathy card" (Ibid.).
How do others respond? Sadly, Kruger discovered that many defend the abuser. Why? Many claim the victim was being divisive or didn't follow Matthew 18. Kruger provides many helpful reminders about the proper interpretation and application of Matthew 18 which are worth the price of the book (82).
What are the effects on the victim? Unfortunately, this combination often means that victims suffer in silence (97). They are abused, and they can't tell anyone about it or they are accused of gossip and being divisive. Thus, they are injured twice. Often they are left with many emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual effects (99-109).
How does the Bible address this issue? Kruger proceeds by providing a helpful biblical theology of spiritual abuse. For our purposes here, I would like to share three quick Scriptures that are worthy of reflection on this topic.
3 Key Scriptures on Spiritual Leadership
Servant Leadership | Matthew 20:25-28 | 25 But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Qualification for Eldership | 1 Timothy 3:1-3 | 1 The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. 2 Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.
Shepherding Style | 1 Peter 5:1-4 | 1 So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: 2 shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; 3 not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. 4 And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.
Application
Let's pray for the church. Jesus was not an abusive leader. Jesus doesn't want us to hire, promote, defend, or overlook abusive leadership. His style was servant leadership. Picture Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. How would he lead a staff meeting? How would he conduct a 1-on-1? How would he lead? Let's embody joy-filled, humble, Christ-like, servant-hearted leadership.
All of us leaders must probe our hearts to see if we're really trying to build our own kingdom. Our hearts can be so deceptive (Jer. 17:9; Prov. 4:23). Every leader is a sinner. Every leader fails from time to time in minor ways. We can't expect perfection, but we also can't accept abuse. Spiritual abuse should not be tolerated. Good shepherds don't abuse the sheep (see Ezek. 34). What would we do with a leader who is promiscuous, greedy, or steals. Why don't we do the same with those who spiritually abuse?
If you have experienced spiritual abuse, then please click here. Please don't equate the poor leadership you've experienced with Jesus' leadership style and heart for you. It may take a while, but you'll get through this. I would suggest getting help from a trusted, godly friend, pastor, or counselor.
Perhaps we should sit with Michael Kruger's question for a while: "Are churches looking for the wrong kind of leaders?" (Kruger, Bully Pulpit, back cover). Indeed, we must wrestle with this question. We can't continue overlooking character issues because of giftedness.
As Paul Tripp has asked in his excellent book Lead, "How many failed pastors will there be, how many more broken and hurting churches, before we humbly ask questions about how we are leading the church that the Savior has entrusted into our care?" (19). He asks, "Could it be that we are looking to the wrong models to understand how to lead? Could it be that as we have become enamored with corporate models of leadership, we have lost sight of deeper gospel insights and values?" (17). What leadership model does Tripp put forth? The model is the "gospel of Jesus Christ" (22). Hear Jesus our shepherd,
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. (John 10:11-15 ESV)Where Can I Learn More?
Bibliography:
-Chapman, Gary, Paul White, and Harold Myra. Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing, 2014.
-Kruger, Michael J. Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022.
-McIntosh, Gary L., and Samuel D. Rima. Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: How to Become an Effective Leader by Confronting Potential Failures. Rev. ed. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2007.
-Oxford English Reference Dictionary. 2nd edition, revised. Edited by Judy Pearsall and Bill Trumble. New York, NY: Oxford, 2003.
-Tripp, Paul David. Lead: 12 Gospel Principles for Leadership in the Church. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2020.